they finally got him. they got macavity
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I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.