they finally got him. they got macavity
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
oh shit
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
apparently this year was written by stephen king
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house