They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
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My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out