They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
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Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
