They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
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If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
WTF IS THAT!
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.