Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

Dolls on drugs

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

#Caturday

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am: