Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”