Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

A French press is when you hug naked

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off