Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

🖕🏻👽

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.