They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL