They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
You Might Also Like
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
The pasta is now
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.