They got a point!
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Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[montage of me giving-up]
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍