They got a point!
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I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I’m not sorry.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift