They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
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If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
the duality of man
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Never let them know your next move 😂
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter