They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
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i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
i wish i could marry a nap
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
A recipe for laughter
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.