They got Raph!
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[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Eating for two.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.