they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
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Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
we all know this pain all too well
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Sunday
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!