Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day