they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
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My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.