they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
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me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*