“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
You Might Also Like
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet