They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
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Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The Weeknd is back
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.