They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro


“Excuse me shopkeep, where are your Terminators?”
“Aisle B, back”.


5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”


My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.


Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.


Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?


Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself


Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.


Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.


“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”