They grow up so quick
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A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Godspeed, John Glenn
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.