They grow up so quick
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sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding