They grow up so quick
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HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
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Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.