They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
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me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Monday?
No. Next question.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order