They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
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Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
accurate
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards