Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”