They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
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100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Spring of Deception
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
