Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!