They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
You Might Also Like
the battle rages on
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.