They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
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Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go