They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
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*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
It’s an epidemic…
your daddy is a what now?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.