They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
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The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….