They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
You Might Also Like
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”