They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.