They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?