They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
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My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
you stereotypes are all alike
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.