Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

he’s doing your taxes

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

i think both sides are to blame here

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato