Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

When the stylist spins you back around

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?