Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.