They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
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Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
How do dragons blow out candles?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
congratulations to them
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?