Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

LMAO

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.