I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
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[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Would you wear it?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.