They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
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[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?