They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
yes… yes…
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato