They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
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I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.