Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
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Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.