They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
![]()
You Might Also Like
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
![]()
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner