Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

inside you are two wolves

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please