They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
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Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.