A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
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“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans