Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.