They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
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Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
The three genders.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.