Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.