They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
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Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.