They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
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I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Kermit goes Blue.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.