They must have gotten it to go.
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They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again