Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”