what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories
A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.