They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
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Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.