Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.