Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

I love you…

…r dog.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.