They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
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When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My wife gives the best headache.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.