Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

I think I’m gonna be sick

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating