Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

I need to get some bricks…

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*