Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

New nose

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

I need to update my racial profile.