Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

incredible book dedication

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.