They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
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I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??