Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

How do I get a job writing these texts

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

Just organising my finances.

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No