They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
Morning.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’