They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
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I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
🤣😂🤣😂
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Sex so good you see dead people.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.